Thou Ain’t Loved!

[From a time when I was a kid and a theist]

Thou ain’t loved my darling
Thou ain’t the one, whom every eyes seek
Thou canst make a heart desperate
In thy love; nor a mind weak
Thy gait can seduce no mind
The words thou speak, no lust can bring
With your own discipline, thy heart thou bind
Thy tranquil heart, for peace is no longer willing

Thou ain’t loved my darling,
As long as this blind world,
To see uses its eyes cunning.

Thou ain’t loved; for indeed,
This world needs not love but lust and greed
Where thou belong not to its breed.

Thou ain’t loved; but thou won’t grieve,
For on His shoulders, whom the world disbelieves,
Thou rest in peace, even on doom’s eve!

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

I have a choice (It's all coming back to me now)

I miss her. Krystal. She's the only person I've seen here in Silent Hill. Just when I think I've successfully fought my biggest fear, it comes right back spitting at my face its venom and makes me feel weak again. I feel like I should go back and see her at that park. Having some company would definitely make me feel better. But that was not the right question to ask. My wise little angel (who goes by the name Kate - And yes I believe in angels) gave me some advice about asking questions that I won't forget any time soon. She told me the reason most of us fail to find the answers to our questions is because we ask the wrong questions. I was not here to make myself feel more comfortable. I was here to solve a mystery - the one about the woman Isis. I had to find the strength somehow to fight this monster, my uneasiness and loneliness. I had to be alone and get used to it. I couldn't take anybody's help. 

I thought I had lost all memories of my past. But it started coming back to me as I started meditating on her name - Isis. I remember being with her. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can see us together on various occasions, at different places, engaged in various activities. I could not, however, see her face. She was this tall faceless lady to me. The moment became melancholic as the moments in my imagination grew deeper and started seeming very beautiful. I could feel a deep longing in my heart that I can't explain in words.

There were those empty threats and hollow lies

And whenever you tried to hurt me

I just hurt you even worse

And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days

When alone at last we'd count up all the chances

That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door

And I made myself so strong again somehow

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

The unawareness of my purpose of being here in Silent Hill, which made me very uncomfortable, had started to weaken its hold on me. I realized I was not supposed to ask questions but seek the truth, not feel uncomfortable but keep on looking for clues, not mind the loneliness but learn to be strong. Its not easy being here in Silent hill, feeling so helpless that I could cry like a two year old baby who's hungry and without his mom. But I don't have a choice. Really? That is what we all like to think when faced with something we cannot understand, let alone fight. I beg to differ. I like to belive that we always have a choice. I could sit here, blame the weather and the loneliness but that won't help me, will it? May be, the the real world (WHAT?), I'd at least get some sympathy, but here? Who was going to listen to me here? I had not a choice over the circumstances I had to face. I had one though in choosing how to react to them. And I chose to fight, be it without any strength. My hope is my friend and my will is my wife. Yes I have a choice.

[Credits: "It's all coming back to me now" by Jim Steinman

I've been very irresponsible in the past with attributions. I apologize and promise to take care of it from now on]

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

Someone who surprises you... But iKnew.

Loneliness. I have been through two kinds of that. Here in Silent Hill, there is absolutely no one around. I have not seen a single human being except for that woman Krystal, I wonder what happened to her. There is fog everywhere which makes it hard to see and it feels like the world is limited to a small protective bubble that surrounds me. I am right in the middle of this bubble and it extends only to as far as I can see. Nothing here is operational. No shops or restaurants are open, no machines work, no vehicles around. Yet there is music. Or noise? Sometimes, its the very soothing but hauntingly familiar melody played on a piano that just spreads everywhere like the wind and you can't find the source of it. Other times, its the noise that is made from metals crushed and hammered and molded. It fills me with a feeling of hatred. I was lonely in Silent hill and I had lost most of my memory.

There are, however, a few things you can never forget. not even when you are in Silent Hill.  Think of how people would react when they hear Abraham Lincoln talk against freedom, Gandhi promoting war or the Jesus of Nazareth telling you to fight those who hate you and spitefully persecute you. There have always been a few people in my life whom I respected and admired a lot for the smallest of qualities they had. But I found one thing which always made me very uncomfortable. People would have ideals and beliefs which made me respect them. I respect idealists. But they changed. Every single one of them, at some point,  compromised. If someone tells me that they appreciate honesty, how can, at a later point in time, my honesty hurt them? They, then, find a middle ground and say its better not to say some things because concealing is not dishonesty. How can a person "fix" someone and make them quit something but end up doing the same thing? I find it very confusing and unsettling. I was born an idealist. I believe whatever situation we are faced with, we must be strong to stay true to our ideals and beliefs. I, sometimes, feel like I am the only one who doesn't compromise. This is something I should take pride in but I don't. Because that again makes me feel lonely. I was lonely when I was with people and i am lonely without people here in this hellish town. I don't know what hurts more. I don't like being in Silent Hill. But I have to. and now that I see it this way, I prefer it here. However, my hope and optimism live. I am tolerant and I can understand that people sometimes give in to temptation. Not everyone though. Once in a while, you find someone who surprises you. It just took me a little time to find that person. Isis - the one who just is. Have I found her? What am I still doing in Silent Hill then? A brief look at her letter again and I fall asleep a little relaxed.

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

Its still the same old story...

I wondered how things could be different if I were a billionaire. The thought amused and hurt me at the same time. A few days ago, if I had that much money, I would have considered myself a successful man. Happy or not I can't say. But successful. Its not an amazement to me anymore how fast things can change. Today, I am sitting here on this old bench under this shade. The rain has stopped pouring but the blues it leaves me with don't go away. I keep thinking where to go next in this lonely town. If I had a billion dollars now, I'd give it to anyone who could take me out of this scary little place and tell me the reason behind everything that was happening to me. I'd have lost everything that my success earned me but I'd have peace of mind. 
 

It has happened to me before. I have lost all memories. I remember only a selected few of them. And they seem insignificant in solving this puzzle, if at all life is that in Silent Hill. My hope has weakened but its still alive and I have no plans to let it go so soon. I look up at the sky and realize that it is still blue even though the grey clouds hide it behind their gloomy face. The sun does find a way through them when it needs to shine. And so it will soon. Till then, I shall wait. In hope.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die. 

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

Rain, rain, go away!

First there was the fog affecting not only the visibility on the road but also my mind. It gave me a chilling fearful feeling that I can't describe in words. Then it started to drizzle. I found a shade and I sat on a small bench under it. There was a radio lying down there. I picked it up and tried to tune it only to find that it won't work. The rain started pouring more aggressively now. I had never liked it when it would pour heavily. I was scared of the water falling from the heaven and it gave me the blues. I was anyway not feeling very comfortable in this town. I needed some sunshine to brighten things up but it was not going to happen anytime soon. All I could do was hope that the rain would stop falling. It didn't. In fact, it started pouring more heavily. I felt a little frustrated and smashed the radio on the wall. Shockingly, the anger treatment got it working. The annoying static was replaced with a familiar tune. If only I could be logical and think of why it would play this song to me. I don't believe in co-incidence normally. And scary as it was already, not being able to think clearly and not knowing how things can act this weird pushed me a step closer towards insanity. I wanted to scream and cry. The radio kept singing...

Rain, rain, go away

I couldn't take you one more day

There's broken glass here on the floor

And I can't take this anymore

Stay, stay don't leave now

I'll do anything but let you go

My hands are cold, my eyes can't see

You can't do this, not to me

Rain, rain, go away

I can't stand this one more day

I'll close my eyes, I'll shut my brain

I can't stand this fucking rain

I can't stand the rain

Close my eyes

The world meets nobody halfway...

In life, there are winners and there are quitters. We don't always get what we want. Really? Well, that'd be the case if we really believed that. Actually, we always get what we want. That's a little scary, for many times we only call for trouble. Some of us think life is tough. I ask 'as opposed to what?'. It is all we have and it is what we have to make something great out of. Until we realize that, we won't be able to know our true potential.

I have been walking alone on the streets of Silent Hill for more than a few hours now. Since the time I thought of resting for a while, the silence had started to disappear in the fog. Suddenly there was this noise everywhere, the noise of a heavy metal factory. It felt like I was in the middle of an industrial area but all I could see around me was a fleet of row houses on one side of the road and a few shops on the other. Where could that noise come from I wondered. It didn't have any pattern or rhythm. It just was noise that would annoy anyone if they listen to it for more than just a few seconds and there seemed no way for me to avoid it. In some ways though, it helped me. It kept me going by transferring a kind of energy in to me. I felt like it was telling me not to stop, to keep on seeking for what I was supposed to find soon. And I knew I had to keep going. There was no time to stop as there is in life. The world meets nobody halfway, does it?

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

I needed rest - Silence in Silent Hill

They say we must fight our fears. And the best way to do that is to face them. However, you get time to prepare before you actually jump into the pool, get a tarantula or watch a horror movie alone at night. In my case, I had suddenly woken up to find myself in a town with a strange name, where everyone had disappeared mysteriously and I was uncomfortably looking for someone/something, I had absolutely no idea what or why. The letter with nothing but a name on it - Isis, the picture of three roses and a woman named Krystal, that is what had happened to me till now and something gave me the eerie feeling that what would happen could be worse.

I have always been very sensitive to criticism. I had to face a bitter truth recently. Someone very close to me made me realize how insensitive I can get at times to what others want. I took out the picture from my pocket and kept looking at it for a few minutes. This picture and that park, they both gave me a feeling that I know something I had forgotten. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up hoping everything was okay. I tried to sleep but my thoughts just didn't let me. The silence around me was creeping me out and I couldn't figure anything out. I needed rest. Peace.

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

I don't care about the sunshine... Cuz Mama I'm coming home...

I kept walking for another kilometer. I had no idea where I was going. The thought of doing something so unplanned like this scared me. But I kept going. Not knowing where to go was very perplexing. But there was a feeling that kept me going. I looked at all the shops on the streets as I was walking. Some of them were still open but there was no one inside which meant something had happened to this town and suddenly everyone disappeared. That seemed illogically scary. 

After walking the streets and finding nothing significant for an hour, I sat down on a bench just outside this park that I found. It was named Rosewater Park. Something about that park attracted me. It was like I had been here before and had some nice memories here with someone. As I was pondering about what to do next, I heard a noise near the small stairs leading to the park. Out of curiosity, I got up and started walking towards it. I heard a song playing, not very clear, like on an old radio or something.

You made me cry, you told me lies

But I can't stand to say goodbye

Mama, I'm comin home

I could be right, I could be wrong

It hurts so bad it's been so long

Mama, I'm comin home

There was someone sitting on the stairs listening to the radio. I breathed a sigh of relief now that I found someone else in the town. May be she knew what was going on and where everyone was. 

"Umm... Excuse me...", I said and she looked up with her eyes were all wet and sore. It seemed like she had been crying for hours. 

"Are you okay? Do you know what's happening here?", I asked a little concerned and worried."

"Oh! There you are! I've been waiting for you!", she surprised me when she jumped up and embraced me. I guessed she was mistaking me with someone else.

"Umm... I beg your pardon. Do I know you?", I said a little hesitantly.

"Ah! NO you are not him! I am sorry.", she started crying and I did not know what to do.

"Is there anything I can do for you? My name is...", I paused for what seemed to be just a moment trying to remember what my name was.  I got a little uncomfortable when I couldn't remember my name. How could anyone forget their own name! I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I looked away for a moment hoping she won't realize how uncomfortable I was getting and I spotted a movie poster - Kate and Leopold. To quickly get out of this embarrassing situation, I made up a name and told her I was Leo.

She took a few seconds to herself and stopped crying.

"Krystal. I am Krystal. I have lost someone and I can't seem to find him. I woke up this morning and he was gone. I have been looking for him all day. And there seems to be no one in town today. Like everyone has gone somewhere.  You are the only person I've seen here. Leo. What are you up to?"

"I umm... I'm looking for something too. I am not exactly sure what it is. But I got a letter."

"At least you got a letter. He left me without even saying goodbye. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess he will be back if I wait for him here until its dark. We were supposed to meet in the park this evening."

"I hope you find him. I should go now and search for the thing before it gets dark. Take care Krystal."

"You too Leo."

They say misery loves company and I sure was a little relieved to find someone else in the town besides me. But I didn't know yet why I was miserable. It seemed to me that I was supposed to look for something that I didn't even know! I had forgotten my name, couldn't understand how people can disappear overnight like that or why would someone send me a letter without anything written on it. And how did I suddenly turn up in Silent Hill! I had started feeling as if I was dreaming but even if I was, it was the most lucid dream I've ever had. More like a peaceful nightmare. Nothing was wrong but I couldn't think of anything that I could say was right either.

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom

Stepping out and exploring Silent Hill

Not knowing what happened made me a little curious. I decided to go out and check what was happening to this place and find out how I got in to this town with a weird name. The piano that was playing in the distance had stopped by the time I stepped out of the apartment. And then there was another kind of noise. The kind they call silence. It was as if someone wanted to tell me something but could only whisper. Someone? God? Some supernatural being? I have a visually inclined mind and I tend to imagine things at times that don't really exist. But this town, I was sure, was not just my imagination. The silence was so heavenly, I could hear my own heartbeats. It was very scary though. It made me feel lonely. As if I was the only one left alive on earth. And it kind of seemed to be coming true because I realized, as I was thinking all this and I had walked for around a kilometer, there was not a single living being in sight, no animals even.

The lonliness I felt weakened me to the core. The fog and the chilling weather almost freezed me and I couldn't think logically anymore. In a weird way, the cold actually comforted me, it felt like a blanket that protected me from something worse that could be waiting for me that I couldn't even imagine can happen. Something attracted my attention suddenly. I found a picture on the ground. It seemed like a normal picture with three roses - two yellow and one white. In the background of the picture, outdoor tiles could be seen which meant the picture was taken somewhere outside and the flowers were supposedly held in someone's hands. On the back of the picture it was written, "I knew you better. March 5th 2010". The text seemed confusing to me but I liked the picture. I decided to keep it with me

The story of fear and hope - Living in Silent Hill

It all began with the word. The sound. A thought manifested in to reality and the reality began to emerge in to a nightmare.

I got a letter. Considering that people use writing as a medium to express something, I found it surprising that the letter said nothing. It was blank. But at the bottom of the letter, it was signed Isis. The silence in the letter seemed comforting although I had not known anyone by the name of Isis ever. It seemed ridiculous because the letter was addressed to me and it had Silent Hill written on the envelope. Did I really live in that town? I could not make out if I was dreaming so I just ignored it and I lied on my bed to rest for sometime.

When I woke up, I heard a melody played on the piano from a distance but couldn't make out what tune it was. I went straight to the window and I couldn't see the view outside properly because of all the fog out there. And I thought it was summer before I went to sleep. I like sunshine and its absence made me feel a little lonely. Something inside me was crying already and longing for its warmth. I had no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to do. I kept looking out my window trying to understand what had happened and I stood there for hours.

I was frightened by the sight I saw in one corner of the park in front of my apartment. It was moving. but it didn't have legs. It was like a bean bag only seeming rusty and bloodstained. How can a piece of cloth gather rust I wondered. And how could it move? I felt unconscious and woke up only after a few minutes. I felt a sense of hope. A hope that I'll soon find what I have been looking for. But I had to do something to get there. What, I did not know. I was afraid but I had the courage to try and find my self-worth. Or was it something else. I knew I was looking for something. And I had waited long enough but I was not sure what it was. The thought made me sound foolish and stupid but I decided to take a step and find out what it was all about. I needed peace.

Posted via email from Immature Wisdom